Preface

It’s been a continual aspiration of mine not to be ruled by my nature. I felt it wasn’t fair who and what I was, and I determined instead to become who and what I wanted to be. I will not let myself regret something because I feel incapable of doing it. I’ve stood onstage and sung in front of thousands of people, without a good voice and with excruciating sincerity, and I was the shy one in my family. Brought up with strong Catholic beliefs, I’ve worked as a prostitute and appeared in porn videos, as though I thought I was sexy or had any confidence about the way I looked. To really take the piss, I’ve written about it all, in novels and now this memoir, despite wondering if any of it was worth repeating, or remotely useful, or in any way entertaining. The process of writing this book was tough. There are so many ways to look at something. It seemed there was always another layer to be peeled back, often with more gruesome truths beneath. You may find yourself disagreeing with my take on something, and you could be right. Sometimes the things I discovered about myself shocked even me. You may wonder why I’m not more self-aware, intuitive, or shrewd, repeatedly making mistake after mistake. (And let’s be realistic. I’ll probably make the same mistakes again, if not worse.) In fact, I can’t believe I’ve let anyone see how immature, cruel, thoughtless, evil, and entirely ridiculous I’ve been.